jokes

(1) A drunk walks out of a bar and sees a nun standing at a bus stop. He walks up to her and punches her in the face. When she falls to the ground he begins kicking her and screaming, "You're not so tough tonight are you Batman!"

(2) A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to him. "No," he says. "The seat is empty." This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?" "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1966 in London." "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."

(3) An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years.He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.As he came closer , he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."Moral: Old men can still think fast.

(4) A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 O?clock in the morning, a resounding noise came form outside... The woman, sort of bewildered, jumps up from the bed and yells at the man:- ?Shit!, that must be my husband!? So the guy quickly got out of bed , scared, and naked. He jumped out the window like a crazy man, smashed himself on the ground, went through a thorn bush, then he stood up and started to run fast to his car. Just a few minutes later he returns and tells the woman:- I?m your husband, you slut!!! So the woman answers:- Oh, yeah?!! And why were you fucking running?!! You son of a bitch!
(5) Once upon a time, and far, far away lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them.One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician, exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed.Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

(6) Kenny came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as heoften did, and crept into bed beside his wife, who was already asleep.He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bedwearing a long flowing white robe."Who the hell are you?" Demanded Kenny, "and what are you doing in mybedroom?".The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".Kenny was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much tolive for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send meback straight away".St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. Wecan only send you back as a dog or a hen." Kenny was devastated, butknowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sentback as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers andclucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought untilhe felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, howare you enjoying your first day here?""It's not so bad" replies Kenny, "but I have this strange feeling insidelike I'm about to explode"."You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've neverlaid an egg before"."Never" replies Kenny"Well just relax and let it happen"And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg popsout from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him andhis emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for thefirst time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness wasoverwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the bestthing that ever happened to him... ever!!!The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg hefelt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wifeshouting "Kenny, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed!

(7) A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
(8)



A man is talking to God.The man: "God, how long is a million years?"God: "To me, it's about a minute."The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"God: "To me it's a penny."The man: "God, may I have a penny?"God: "Wait a minute."
Here is a good riddle to demonstrate the battle-between-the-sexes kind of jokes. Q: Why did God create the man before he created the woman? A1: The answer that men give: To give him the chance to enjoy Heaven on Earth for a few moments. A2: The answer that women give: Everyone makes a draft first!
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school.
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home.

A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?B: Yes, of course.A: Great! I never could before!
Why couldn't Cinderella be a good soccer player? She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach was a pumpkin. (Requires basic knowledge of the Cinderella story and that both ball and coach have double meanings.) .
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I". Student: I is the...Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Two factory workers are talking.The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."The man replies, "And how would you do that?"The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
Two cows are standing in a field.One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"
Teacher: How can we get some clean water?Student: Bring the water from the river and wash it.
Q. What do you call a ginger bread man with one leg? A. Limp Bizkit. (limp biscuit) (Alternate: What do the British call a cookie that got wet?)
A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket." The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?" The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"
This is a good one to follow the following previously submitted joke.
A: What do you call a deer with no eyes? B: No idea. (No Eye Deer.)
A: What do you call a dead deer with no eyes? B: Still no idea.
A: Meet my new born brother.B: Oh, he is so handsome! What's his name?A: I don't know. I can't understand a word he says.Submitted by: Landa Eugene
Q: When does the (English) alphabet have only 25 letters? A: At Christmas time, because it is the time of Noel. (No L) Submitted by: George Hurlburt
Q: What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter? A: An envelope.
Q: If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become? A: Wet.
Q: What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? A: A stick.
Q: Where do you find giant snails? A: On the ends of their fingers. (Giants' nails.)
Q: What travels around the world and stays in a corner? A: A stamp.
Q: What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean? A: A blackboard.
These need to be written.
Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes? A: A piiig.
Q: What goes Oh, Oh, Oh? A: Santa Claus walking backwards.
Q: What do elephants have that no other animal has? A: Baby elephants.
Depending on where you live, students will enjoy this one.
Q: What do you call a hippie's wife? A: Mississippi.
Q: What did the ocean say to the beach? A: Nothing, it just waved!

The First 3 Years of Marriage
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".